August 16th, 2017. I turn thirty today. In my early twenties, I looked forward to thirty with a bit anxiety, which stemmed from expectations, but I always welcomed it. I am one of those people that always had a five-year-plan and goal-setting was my way to always have something to anticipate that I "knew" would make me happier, make me better as a person and would better those around me. Up until the last couple years of this fun little life I lead, I believed that having a plan was important, but that taking the time to truly appreciate special moments and special people in your life was also equally important. Then I learned that my plan was FUBAR.

By 30, I will be _______

I had so many expectations that I had set out for myself on what thirty would look like. I would have a six-figure job, be married, have at least one child and own a home... in addition to many other lesser valued goals. All I needed to do was write them down and I could work my way, in a timely fashion of course, toward my goals. So there I was a couple years ago after a gorgeous second wedding in Rome with a job that would get me one step closer to the responsibility and financial level that I wanted to be at, married and planning on the best time to start trying to have children. Things were going according to plan, at least on paper.

I was living in a false world where no matter how glaringly wrong something seemed, I would try my best to ignore it or convince myself that it could be fixed. Control your controllables, but don't rock your perfect boat too much. The holes can be fixed. You've hit a couple rocks, but that too can be patched. It wasn't actually a boat you ordered, it was a plane, but that's no big deal. Oh crap, it's actually a dinghy and there's only room for one and you are not it.

After my now ex had moved to the United States from Italy, everything started to fall apart, but I refused to believe it. I refused to believe that anyone could act that way or say those things or flat out not care. As long as I heard the words, I love you, I could ignore how hollow they were and just be appeased by them. As long as the words, I'm sorry, were uttered after each egregious act, I could forgive and forget. After all, this is the life I had planned right?

Just don't forget to breathe

I tell people this all the time. I recognize when people around me are flustered, frustrated and stressed. It's easy to forget to take care of yourself in those moments because there is just so much to do and life can get overwhelming very quickly. In these moments, I often elect to not take my own advice.

Unfortunately, things started to pile up, and I found myself trying to stay afloat in an ocean of deceit, with an unhappy person that only cared for his job and his status, trying to push my head underwater. I was deeply depressed for the first time in my life. I was gaining weight, couldn't sleep and was constantly arguing about things that just didn't matter. The marriage was horrible, but from the outside it still looked perfect. On paper, it still looked perfect. After quite a few sessions with a marriage counselor and seeking advice from people that know much more about love and marriage than I do, I had to stop lying to myself and file for divorce. I was never expecting the counselor to tell me that my husband was in this for the wrong reasons and would never change because it's not important to him.

It hit me like a freight train. I remembered the fact that he didn't even write his wedding vows until the day after I said that I think I want a divorce... two years after our second wedding. I remembered the countless other repressed memories and how whenever anyone saw us it was either right before an argument or right after one. It was never real, I just wanted it to be.

Walk away before it's too late

The day I filed for divorce was the hardest day of my life. Even as I spoke to the clerks at the courthouse, I couldn't help but break down crying several times to the point that one of them had to console me. I rarely cry, especially not in public, but I knew I had to do it. He had what he wanted... the green card, his job and his car. To his friends and family, his reputation was still intact. Throughout the marriage I never told his family and friends about the horrible things he did. I was the model wife that followed her husband where he needed to go, got along with his friends and family, cooked and cleaned and slowly started to forget who I was as an individual. I no longer listened to music, no longer sang, no longer danced, no longer smiled unless we were with others, of course. I gave him everything he wanted. He got a way out of Italy with a person who loved him so much that he could do and say whatever he wanted and she would still stay.

I filed for divorce and never looked back. I lost all emotion towards this person that, it turned out, had an unimaginable dark side. A person that could look you in the face and lie to you on a daily basis about anything and everything, big or small. A person who was only buying his time so that he could stay in this country, not caring who he hurt along the way. However, I wish him no ill will. I don't want anything from him. I just want the positive energy that he tried to drain from me back and I think that I am well on my way.

There's a bright side to everything

Alright, so enough of the depressing stuff... and man was that a lot of depressing stuff. If you are still with me, there is a happy ending to this story. After moving out of our shared apartment and getting a job (that I love), the clouds began to give way to another beautiful day. It took time, and despite the valiant effort from my family and friends to cheer me up, I knew I had to do it on my own. I had to find a way to be happy without anyone else telling me I should be happy and all the reasons why. Once I finally had my own space, I looked in the mirror one morning and had a long talk with myself. From the outside looking in, it was probably the strangest thing ever, but whatever, I know myself and what I needed to hear and believe. I knew that it could only come from me, myself and I, so I let her have it.

I am a healthy, able-bodied woman with a good head on her shoulders and a support system that is beyond measure. I have every reason in this world to be happy and grateful for the life I have. For last couple years, my father has had to deal with multiple brain surgeries that stemmed from a freak accident and is now fighting cancer. He has dealt with all of this with strength and a bit of morbid humor. My mother has been by his side every step of the way, even when he couldn't recognize her face. There was no point in time where they forgot who they were or treated others differently due to their misfortune. Despite the crazy hard times they were going through, they still supported me and helped me carry my burden and always brightened my day. I am grateful. My friends were amazing with checking in on me with words of encouragement, although it was also obvious those that didn't want to talk anymore after finding out about the divorce, even without knowing the reason. It's interesting the stigma that comes with it, but how quickly I got over that side of things. I don't see divorce as a tragedy, I see staying in a horrible relationship because you feel you have to as the real tragedy.

My new work family was absolutely instrumental in me being able to get back to being myself. I found a place that I am happy to go to every morning and people that make me smile and laugh, no matter how tired I am (and that's hard for this night owl). I am so grateful for the new relationships forged and the realization that even though a situation may not be ideal, it is perfect for right now. They have been more than friends. They have been confidants, kindred spirits and even shoulders to cry on. Not sure they will ever fully know how much they saved me.

By 30, I will be HAPPY!

Happiness no longer has the same meaning to me. No goals or societal expectations will ever get me there. I'm thirty, divorced and happy to have learned some critical life lessons and come out on the other side stronger than before. Happiness is... bringing joy to others and always finding a reason to dance in the rain, thanking God all the while. I'm glad I get to spend this birthday with my friends and family in Beautiful Colorado, enjoying the smiles and laughter, and getting to play in the afternoon rain. This is 30, and this is me living my best life because I choose to and because I now define what that is for myself.

I'm sorry to have gone dark for so long, but I hope you all forgive me. I had some dragons of my own to slay. At least now that all that is done, I can get back to boring or exciting you with travel and food posts! Cheers, my friends!